Coming to an End

Coming To an End?

I think I am on my last stretch of this road. My last Dr appt May 22^nd went well. Again I had my blood drawn and was finally able to get the results of my last FISH and PCR test. Both test said the same thing. That I was about .6% or 6 Leukemic cells out of 1000 something like that. Craig does better at explaining all this. They want it to be at zero or at least under .2%. It is all good news. I would have never thought I would be at this point 6 months ago. Once my count is where the Dr wants them to be then I believe I will have to have another Bone Marrow done to check the counts in that and that will be the official point of full remission. At least this time I will know what is going on. Is that good or bad, I don’t know. My next appointment is June 26^th. I don’t have any blood work appointments before that like my PCR. I wonder if the Dr Sangha realizes that. Hmmmmm?

I have been struggling some with my anxiety. Nothing serious by any means, just been noticing it more at night. My thoughts have been trying to take over my body. Hate it when that happens. But I have also noticed in this past 6 months that I am not worrying about things as much as I use too. From the little things like making sure my legs are shaved and if I have make-up on when I go out in public. To being scared to do out of the ordinary things for me.

For instance, I know this is going to sound really stupid but the other day Craig, the kids and I went out hiking in the woods. Now normally I wouldn’t have too much trouble with that as long as there was a path but we didn’t by any means stay on the path. We were on grass up to Hanna’s head and mud and climbing under and over trees and cricks, you name it. Normally I would have been worrying about tics, and poison ivy (ok I was little) and other animals like scaring a deer and having it charge us (I warned you it was stupid!) and even should we be out here? I actually just enjoyed the time and had fun with this adventure. I just don’t seem to worry as much about what others are thinking about me which is WAY out of my comfort zone. God has used this experience to show me that I can be and do what I want without worrying if it is ok with everyone else. God does have a plan for me. I have always known that and I am even more convinced of that.

I have been wondering what will happen to this blog when the Doctors say that I am in complete remission. I am not sure but I have enjoyed this easy way of sharing with everyone. It is amazing how many people get on and read it. I think it would be a great thing to continue sharing everyone’s prayer concerns possibly for others who are facing leukemia and other cancers.

The Shack - Believing God works all thing for Good

As a Church our Lenten Study this year is delving into the hotly debated book, The Shack. There is no doubt that it has a load of theology that is intertwined in a fictional book. And as with any human attempt at expressing the qualities of God, we must remember that we cannot get it fully right until we actually experience it and see God face to face. (I do however believe that this book offers a hopeful and well presented redemptive theology for people who have previously been wounded by the church and felt like God had abandoned them. *Actually I like the book a lot)
But I guess that is not why I am sharing about it in this blog. As I am digging through it and writing the questions that we will be addressing, one thought came out that I fully agree with, and believe is a breaking point for many people. At one point in the book Mack is interacting with the Holy Spirit (Sarayu) and they are dialoguing about his understanding of good and bad. Mack actually realizes that he needs to release his human judgment of what is good and bad because in his finite nature he could not know how God would eventually turn things. Sarayu continues one of his thoughts, "in one instant the good may be the presence of cancer or the loss of income - or even a life."
In truth we all hear people regularly sharing their hurts and pains. In fact many of us may on occasion bemoaning our own desperate situations. But in reality how do we know, or why do we believe that in the worst of moments God will abandon us. Or even worse why would we be so arrogant as to judge God as the one who caused that pain in our life.
I love this point in the book, and the theology that it offers. It basically reminds us of the fundamentals of scripture. God loved us so much that he took all of our pain, hurt, brokeness, and sinfulness to the cross for us. It is God's nature to redeem us out of pain, not to bury us in it.
So I hope you are all hearing these words as encouragment. Take heart whatever situations you face. God is hope, love, and peace for us when the waves of life turn against us. If you find yourself in one of those times, whatever you do don't bury your head in the sand believing that wave will overcome you. Instead look up with hope for God promises to turn all those terrible waves into the towel and basin with which Jesus will wash your feet.
In writing this I am stating without a doubt that God has already blessed us, strengthened us, healed us, and given our family hope through the presence of Leukemia in Jody's life. We know that not all the days will be easy, and that the future is unsure, but we do know that God promises to walk with us, and use the very source of our pain to bring about the best good for our lives. This is what it means for us to live victoriously. It is not that we are proclaiming our victory over the disease, but we are claiming victory through Christ in the way we respond to its presence in our family.
If any of you are struggling with issues of pain and believe you are alone. Remember God is with you, and let us know so we can be praying for you. With Christ we can all live in victory. Amen.

Don't Waste Your Cancer

One of my favorite authors is John Piper who wrote -Desiring God

He writes this article which I believe very clearly states how Jody and I have determined to live into her current diagnosis. It is not always easy, but with God's help and a lot of love from each other, friends, and family, we are doing our best to let God shine through even this most difficult time. Enjoy these top ten. (Also find the link to his whole article below)

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.

3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.

4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.

5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means
staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.

6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading
about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude
instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.

10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of
witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

---

John Piper has been the Pastor for Preaching at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota, since 1980. He has authored numerous best-selling books, including The Passion of Jesus Christ, Don't Waste Your Life and Desiring God.

Find this article at: http://www.crosswalk.com/1383847/

Survivors Guilt

With the most recent visit to Iowa City I have to admit I am experiencing a great deal of elation with finally understanding what the doctors have been trying to explain to us for a long time. This particular form of Leukemia has had a lot of advances made in the treatment process during the last ten years. And while we still have to go through the process of destroying the leukemic cells in Jody's body, and replace them with healthy normal cells, It almost feels too easy, and not fair.
Let me explain that... As a pastor I have seen many types of cancer many times. I have witnessed long term battles for life that have had long terms of remission and re-occurrences, and I have seen people diagnosed and then last only a month or few weeks. And I have witnessed the agony of radiation and chemotherapy and their "side effects" or "major effects."
Now I love my wife and as I said, I am elated with the news that her health can be for all essential purposes normal, and that she can live with this CML for a long time without ever knowing it is there. The expected benchmarks for her on this medication is to be in full molecular remission in a period of 12 - 18 months; that fact is astounding. From then on she will join a group of cancer survivors for the indefinite future. However, even in the peripheral role of husband I feel like I living in the midst of experiencing shell-shock, or survivors guilt or something along that vein.
I do not know if it was the fact that we had built ourselves up so much for the magnitude of devastating news, or that as a pastor I just witnessed two beloved members be diagnosed with cancer and live only a few months after their diagnosis. Maybe it is this fact that makes me feel like Jody's and my good news is unfair to those who have experienced such devastating news only to be followed up with the final blow known as death.
Of course as a pastor again I believe that death for those who have a saving relationship with Jesus is nothing to be feared and in fact it is the greatest news of life that one can hope for. However the reality of pain that we who remain experience is undeniably difficult despite the depth of faith and hope that we claim.
For now all I can do is say "Thank You God for gifting us with a treatable form of Leukemia, and thank you for the years of life, happiness, family, and ministry that we have in front of us."

Being Antisocial?

Antisocial, the definition in the dictionary says, "hostile or harmful to organized society; marked by behavior deviating sharply from the social norm." Can this be me? Well, I guess my blood is according to the doctor today. It has to do with my one enzymes or chromosomes and how they are not playing well with the others and pushing the others around and taking over the place. This is how Dr Gingrich sort of explained my leukemia. I really enjoyed our doctor visit to Iowa City. He is a very nice man with a lot of information but easy to understand in the way he explains things. If he wasn't in Iowa City I would probably continue to see him. Dr Sangha is great but it was just easier talking and understanding Dr Gingrich. He was full of information and there fore if you want all that you will have to tune in possibly on Monday when Craig has the chance to get more in depth with the information we received. (I think Jody did a great job of explaining, and I don't think most people want more details or a history of the disease and treatment options as they have changed over the past 12 years. But his information did give us greater understanding in what we know and how comfortable we are with this) I can tell you that he thinks I am doing great and at this point doesn't see any reason why I should have to go through the process of testing for bone marrow transplant. We asked him if it did come down to it and the meds weren't working how long would the process take. He said it would take about 2-3 weeks in regarding to testing my siblings and the possible match there. If none of my siblings were a match then about 6-8 weeks to find a universal match. To us that just didn't sound too bad. Much quicker then we had envisioned. So I did not have to have any test done today. HURRAY!! One less poke.

We asked what is considered remission. He said there are basically three stages and here again is where I wont be able to say it all right. The first stage has to do with the blood. (hematological remission) It is is no longer detectable through the blood tests. The next stage has to do with what is called the Fish test. (Some kind of physic- remission) (Don't know if it is spelled fish or phish.) This has to do more with the, I think, chromosomes (just a more detailed test) and then the third stage is another test (PCR test that looks very closely at a large group of cells to look for any Philadelphia chromosomes in the blood) where they look at things even smaller and it is no longer detected. This whole process could take up to a year or more. (There are goal time frames that they would like to have Jody hit certain levels by) He did inform me again as Dr Sangha has said this is something I will have the rest of my life as well as being on Gleevec.

Dr Gingrich talked to us for about 45 minutes. How many Dr do that anymore? We were able to bring home a lot of information specifically about CML and so will have a lot of reading to do this weekend. ( Good thing to take along to Nathan's basketball, tournament tomorrow.)

So that is the very basics of what we found out today. My appointment was at 10:30 and we were out of there by 12:30. Not too bad I thought. Again, Craig will possible write more in detail about the information we received today so stay tuned. He has a busy weekend and just didn't have time to write today but I didn't want to keep you all wondering.

Another quick update. Continue to keep my brother in your prayers as I found out on my way to my appointment this morning that he was not able to have his surgery do to the fact that the hospital didn't have a certain instrument that his Dr would not work with out. So after already having his sinus's washed and been on IV and basically ready to go they told him it was off. What a major drag. So keep him in your prayers as well.

When I got home from my appointment I was able to take a few minutes and read from my devotional, "The Upper Room" and I have to share what it said. It was titled Six Weeks and the verse was from Exodus 16:6-7 "Moses and Aaron said to (Israel),"...You shall know that it was the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt, and ...you shall see the glory of the Lord." After the Hebrews crossed the Red Sea, "the pople feared the Lord and believed in the Lord and in his servant Moses. (Ex 14:31) The writer writes about how when he was a teenager this story seemed to go down hill from there. He got tired of the peoples whining and lack of faith. He found it hard to believe that six weeks after the great Exodus, people began to doubt God and to think the Exodus had been a mistake.

As the writer grew older the story became more believable. He saw how quickly he himself could fall back into doubt and whining after God did something wonderful in his life. From what he's observed, six weeks is about the average life of human trust. God responded to the Hebrew's ingratitude--not by taking away from them but by increasing their blessings and working additional miracles. He didn't punish them like we would think. He gave them more blessing and miracles. Wow! God's presence was obvious.

It has been five weeks now for me with this new diagnosis. Do I consider it "something wonderful God did in my life?" Well, in a way yes. He planned for me to have this physical and for the doctor to do the right tests and find this early. That is something wonderful But am I still trusting God or am I falling back on my doubt and whining? I have to say that I probably have been doing the later of the the two somewhat. There are parts of me that think " How can I be so fortunate? Surely having cancer is more difficult then this. I really haven't had any real problems and complications."I have heard other cancer stories that have not been so good. I start thinking things will surely get worse rather then trusting that God had it planned this way all along. I think I have maybe even whined just a little about some of the small things that I have had to deal with, sore muscle and major leg cramps. I believe that this whole thing has just been an eye opener to what God has in store for me and how much He is in control of my life, not my worries and anxieties. He too has blessed me during this time and is working miracles in me. The writer ends the devotional with this prayer which is my prayer to all of you: "God, thank you for remaining faithful even when we doubt, for delivering us from bondage, and for blessing us with all that we need. Amen.