Coming to an End

Coming To an End?

I think I am on my last stretch of this road. My last Dr appt May 22^nd went well. Again I had my blood drawn and was finally able to get the results of my last FISH and PCR test. Both test said the same thing. That I was about .6% or 6 Leukemic cells out of 1000 something like that. Craig does better at explaining all this. They want it to be at zero or at least under .2%. It is all good news. I would have never thought I would be at this point 6 months ago. Once my count is where the Dr wants them to be then I believe I will have to have another Bone Marrow done to check the counts in that and that will be the official point of full remission. At least this time I will know what is going on. Is that good or bad, I don’t know. My next appointment is June 26^th. I don’t have any blood work appointments before that like my PCR. I wonder if the Dr Sangha realizes that. Hmmmmm?

I have been struggling some with my anxiety. Nothing serious by any means, just been noticing it more at night. My thoughts have been trying to take over my body. Hate it when that happens. But I have also noticed in this past 6 months that I am not worrying about things as much as I use too. From the little things like making sure my legs are shaved and if I have make-up on when I go out in public. To being scared to do out of the ordinary things for me.

For instance, I know this is going to sound really stupid but the other day Craig, the kids and I went out hiking in the woods. Now normally I wouldn’t have too much trouble with that as long as there was a path but we didn’t by any means stay on the path. We were on grass up to Hanna’s head and mud and climbing under and over trees and cricks, you name it. Normally I would have been worrying about tics, and poison ivy (ok I was little) and other animals like scaring a deer and having it charge us (I warned you it was stupid!) and even should we be out here? I actually just enjoyed the time and had fun with this adventure. I just don’t seem to worry as much about what others are thinking about me which is WAY out of my comfort zone. God has used this experience to show me that I can be and do what I want without worrying if it is ok with everyone else. God does have a plan for me. I have always known that and I am even more convinced of that.

I have been wondering what will happen to this blog when the Doctors say that I am in complete remission. I am not sure but I have enjoyed this easy way of sharing with everyone. It is amazing how many people get on and read it. I think it would be a great thing to continue sharing everyone’s prayer concerns possibly for others who are facing leukemia and other cancers.

Night time

When the lights go out and the kids are in bed, after a game on the computer, the local news, or a rerun of M.A.S.H. and Jody and I slow down we find the silent darkness meets us. It is a darkness that is familiar. Jody's routine involves locking the doors and checking them twice, checking on each of the kids, then if I come to bed after her making sure I do the same thing.

Once we finally make it to bed I become the teddy bear. (I think the amount of snuggle/smother has increased over the last month, that is a good thing in my eyes) Then before our minds slow down we take a moment to pray. Sometimes our prayers are lengthy, including everything on this green earth, sometimes it is simply prayers for peace and healing. Our prayer times have certainly become an important part of ending our day, or at least starting our night.

Oh, here is a powerful and emotional item that I promised myself last night I would add to our blog. As you may know we are a praying family. We pray before meals, at bed time and throughout the day as God leads us. On top of that, we still take the time to tuck our kids (11, 8) in to bed. Amazingly enough this seems to be a favorite part of their day. Both of them love to hold on to us and want us to lay with them (sometimes just talk about nothing other times just hold each other as they drift off to sleep) Well, as we have come to face Jody's CML diagnosis and realize that it is something she will have the rest of her life, I have asked the kids to pray for their mother. And oh how the prayers of a child will take your breath away. Last night I went to tuck my kids and each of them in their turn took the initiative to pray for their mother. They were profound prayers, simple in wording, but infinitely filled with love and compassion. "Please, please, please God help my mommy get better" The words they spoke revealed their uncompromising devotion and their deep understanding that this could be a life threatening disease. (Hanna even asked me two nights ago if her mommy could die from this... Of course I had to say "she could" but we don't think that is going to happen) My kids bed times have become a powerful spiritual time and an emotional roller coaster as I am never sure what kind of prayer will come out of their mouth. I am sure there will be days when their faith will minister to many people, even their parents.

Now back to mom and dad. After our prayer time we hope that tiredness overtakes us, but often Jody needs some time to talk through all the thoughts that her mind has processed through the day. (This is a good thing, she didn't used to be one to talk and share her inner thoughts - she is getting much better now) Unfortunately many of those thoughts come from the school of WRW - Women's Right to Worry. I don't know where they get it from, but women have this inborn ability to think up the craziest things. Of course now that Jody has CML - she just looks at me and says, "See I told you so." I try and tell her, if you worry about everything under the sun, one of them is bound to come true. - I guess I can't win that one.

Often her discussion time just gives her the opportunity to process how she has been feeling, or why she has been "so cold." Once she understands the side effects of medications, or the symptoms of less hemoglobin, then she is usually able to relax and fall asleep. However there are the nights when she just can't get out of her mind all the possibilities that the next few years hold. As a mother has the right she is fearful that she will not be able to see her children grow up. (We don't really believe that will be the case, but it is fair to admit that we have to struggle with the thoughts that reoccur)

After sleep has finally taken us it has become a normal thing sometime in the middle of the night for Jody to throw her leg over me and say, "help." She has been getting leg cramps in her calf that she can't push through herself. I reach down and pull hard on her toes and have to reminder her to relax. This morning that didn't happen until about 5 AM. Nothing to big, and if that is the worst side effect from medications and walking on a regular basis I think we can live with it.

In all, we realize that night - as our down time - is when the emotions can get the better of us. It is also however the time when we pray for peace and relax as we trust our everything into the hands of God. We don't know what each of you are facing today, but we hope that you too will pray nightly for peace and trust your lives into the hand of the prince of peace - Jesus Christ.