Survivors Guilt

With the most recent visit to Iowa City I have to admit I am experiencing a great deal of elation with finally understanding what the doctors have been trying to explain to us for a long time. This particular form of Leukemia has had a lot of advances made in the treatment process during the last ten years. And while we still have to go through the process of destroying the leukemic cells in Jody's body, and replace them with healthy normal cells, It almost feels too easy, and not fair.
Let me explain that... As a pastor I have seen many types of cancer many times. I have witnessed long term battles for life that have had long terms of remission and re-occurrences, and I have seen people diagnosed and then last only a month or few weeks. And I have witnessed the agony of radiation and chemotherapy and their "side effects" or "major effects."
Now I love my wife and as I said, I am elated with the news that her health can be for all essential purposes normal, and that she can live with this CML for a long time without ever knowing it is there. The expected benchmarks for her on this medication is to be in full molecular remission in a period of 12 - 18 months; that fact is astounding. From then on she will join a group of cancer survivors for the indefinite future. However, even in the peripheral role of husband I feel like I living in the midst of experiencing shell-shock, or survivors guilt or something along that vein.
I do not know if it was the fact that we had built ourselves up so much for the magnitude of devastating news, or that as a pastor I just witnessed two beloved members be diagnosed with cancer and live only a few months after their diagnosis. Maybe it is this fact that makes me feel like Jody's and my good news is unfair to those who have experienced such devastating news only to be followed up with the final blow known as death.
Of course as a pastor again I believe that death for those who have a saving relationship with Jesus is nothing to be feared and in fact it is the greatest news of life that one can hope for. However the reality of pain that we who remain experience is undeniably difficult despite the depth of faith and hope that we claim.
For now all I can do is say "Thank You God for gifting us with a treatable form of Leukemia, and thank you for the years of life, happiness, family, and ministry that we have in front of us."

The Cost of Life

In a conversation yesterday with a friend we discussed the topic of insurance and prescription costs. It is never fun finding $5,000 at the beginning of the year to pay an up front deductible before your benefits kick in. (Jody's prescription would be $230/day) However now that we have met our deductible, the rest of the year "should" be free. (Praise the Lord for that darn expensive insurance)

During the conversation, I quickly turned our direction toward the three choices we had. One, we could find the money and get the needed Gleevec that is the "Miracle" drug as the doctors call it. Two, we could decide it costs too much and opt for the "Old" treatment drugs. Three we could ignore the Doctor's diagnosis and pretend that Jody did not have this thing called CML. Now these last two scenarios really did not leave us any other option. We would be fools to choose a treatment plan that offered a "two year death sentence." And we would be fools to choose to ignore the wisdom of one who is there to care for us. So option one was the only way we could imagine. It really didn't matter what the cost, we were going to give everything to attain the "miracle" we needed.

As a pastor, this quickly translated into a spiritual analogy. Of course we all know that we are sinners and that our sin has gifted us with a death sentence. There are several ways that we can proceed of course.

One, we can seek out the "miracle" cure. This cure for sin as we know is only in the love, grace and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. And by faith in Jesus we gain the "miracle" of life everlasting.

Two, we can try things the "Old" way. We can try to be good enough to get to heaven. We can try to do enough to outweigh the sin in our life. But again scripture tells us that the only way to overcome sin is through Jesus, so I see this option without Jesus as a "short term death sentence" and no real option at all.

Finally, I guess we can ignore our situation all together and believe that there is no such thing as sin, no such thing as eternal life, no such thing as God. But who would do such a crazy thing to risk their life and future by not at least investigating the diagnosis and the hope of a miracle cure.

We chose option #1 and we hope you all will do the same.
In the Love and Grace of God.